If religions were restaurants

"Waiter, this isn't what I ordered."

"Sir, you're at Christianity. We only serve one meaning for life."

"Yes, I know, that's what your advertisement said. But what you have put in front of me is NOT the meaning that you advertised."

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"I ordered the meaning that the menu said was the house specialty: Perfect and universal love and mercy. Good news for the poor, and peace and goodwill to all people. Served with a dash of humility. Supposed to help bad people become good people, and good people become better people."

"Yes, sir, the specialty of the house, it's the only menu item we have ever had, and the only one we have ever needed."

"Right, it sounded amazing, that's why I came here. And that's why I've been coming here all my life. That's why I spend ten percent of my paycheck here each week. But every time I sit down at the table, I get THIS instead."

"Sir, that's the dish. That's Christianity."

"But it's exactly the opposite of what I ordered. Sure, there's SOME love and goodwill in there, but it's barely even visible because of this sauce that it's swimming in. This is clearly mostly hatred, selfishness, and bigotry, with bad news for the poor, wars, and divisive vitriol. Not served with a dash of humility, but dumped over a bed of arrogance. And it's reliably turning good people into bad people, and bad people into worse people.  There's hate where the love should be, there's war where the peace should be, there's indifference and contempt where the compassion should be, there's brutality where the humanity should be, there's fear where the hope should be, there's racism and sexism and homophobia and transphobia where the brotherhood and goodwill should be, there's swords where the plowshares should be. Shit, there's pedophiles in there - FUCKING PEDOPHILES - where the chastity should be. This isn't nourishing food, this is hot garbage."

"Have you TRIED the dish, sir? All our regular customers say it's supposed to be the most delicious and amazing experience possible."

"YES, I've tried it. Every day, for my whole life. And it always tastes just like this."

"If you just BELIEVED in the chef more, sir, I'm sure you'd realize that the dish is actually everything the chef promised and more."

"I have ALWAYS believed in the chef, and every night I've written him a letter asking him to make the dish that he promised, but that never changes anything. Now that I think of it: Do you even HAVE a chef back there? It looks to me like someone just swept all the refuse off the floor and dumped it on the plate."

"Well, sir, I've never SEEN the chef, and never HEARD the chef's voice, but there must BE a chef or how could there be a restaurant?"

"You tell me. I'm having trouble believing there's any actual meaning in this place, it's never been here in all the years I've come."

"I'm terribly sorry you feel that way, sir. Perhaps you'd like to sit at another table instead?"

"I've sat at several other tables in this place. The people at some tables were nicer to hang out with, true, but the same garbage dish kept showing up on the table. And when I asked, they shrugged and said it's the same dish they always get too, but they're hungry so they pick out the most unpalatable bits and then eat it anyway."

"Perhaps I'm just not the right waiter for you, sir. I'm sorry if that's the case, but I would certainly rather see you choose a different waiter than leave the restaurant unsatisfied."

"No, you personally are likeable enough, much better than the one at that table over there... where do you even FIND these people, how MUCH bigotry is he going to keep piling on the dish?... And for some reason everyone at that table has much BIGGER portions of the very WORST parts of the dish, but they keep gobbling it down, insisting that it's exactly what they ordered, and demanding more."

"Hm. As much as it pains me to say it, sir, perhaps this isn't the restaurant for your needs after all? There's a lovely Muslim place next door..."

"Ugh, I've seen what they serve over there, the portions of sexism and homophobia are nearly the entire dish. Same ingredients you've got, but somehow manages to make it even WORSE. What the fuck even IS a 'holy war'???"

"Ah, sir, that would be because they have a much larger supply of political power. Here at Christianity we haven't been able to get quite as much of that in recent years, despite our best efforts. Otherwise, I assure you, our dish would be nearly indistinguishable from theirs."

"Figures. And all the other religious places all serve the same crap: Contempt for anyone sitting in the "wrong" restaurant, or sitting in the "right" restaurant at the "wrong" table, or sitting at the "right" table in the "wrong" way... with hefty portions of justification for violence and sexism and racism and homophobia and transphobia and abusive power structures and false promises, and not an iota of any real meaning. I've tried every religion in town, and none of them have anything with any nourishment, just the same toxic mess with different garnishes."

"Well, sir... I hesitate to say it... it's such... such a DIFFICULT thing to suggest..."

"Gotta be better than trying the same dish over and over at all the restaurants in town and never getting any nourishment from it."

"Perhaps sir would be better off making his OWN meaning?"

"But I don't HAVE any eternal life at home! The love and joy and peace I have at home are okay, but they're not PERFECT like the ones that all the restaurants claim they can provide. I might even have some racism and sexism and homophobia on my own pantry shelves that need to be sorted through and discarded. And I don't know HOW to make my own meaning."

"Well sir, neither does anyone else, when they first start. But you can learn, sir. You can practice, and make mistakes, and learn from mistakes, and try out ideas and techniques and recipes from other people who have made meanings that smell good to you. You might even come up with a recipe all your own. And if you come up with something that brings joy and health and nourishment, then you can share it with others. You can even share how you did it and give them a chance to see which of your ideas work for them."

"What if I burn the house down? What if I never find the recipe for eternal life? What if the dish just isn't as good as that perfect dish I've been longing for?"

"Sir...

...

*sigh*

Let me sit down with you a moment.

...Sir, I'm going to level with you, and I will deny I ever said this if you tell any other customers. But I've been lying for my whole career, and just once I want to tell someone the truth. 

Eternal life doesn't exist, the best we can do is make this life as good as we can. 

Perfect love doesn't exist, the best we can do is grow and feed and cultivate as much love as we can and give it away as generously as possible. 

The chef doesn't exist, and none of us in this business know how to make meaning.

Meaning isn't something that someone else can make for you, it can ONLY be made by yourself, for yourself. You can tell other people your recipe, you can share the nourishment you have made, but they'll have to make their own meaning and tweak the recipe based on what works best in their kitchens.

NO chef has ever been seen at ANY of these restaurants, just servers like me who don't have the first IDEA how to make anything like the dish our P.R. department says we have, and managers who insist that selling hot garbage is just fine as long as people will keep buying it. So we take whatever ingredients we can sweep off the floor, and from that we make the horrible sauces that are religion. Those of us who care about our customers try to add as much of the compassion and as little of the religion as we can, those who are indifferent or contemptuous of our customers don't bother... and all of us hope that the garnishes will fool people enough to keep them coming back. But we have NOTHING that you couldn't make yourself, and make better. 

Find a cookbook by a humanist. It's not perfect, but it's the best anyone's got. It's what I make for myself at home, I just put a religious garnish on it in case anyone else is watching, then pick it off again because I am NOT swallowing that. And any halfway sane server at any restaurant in this town does the same. But the managers won't let us just serve humanism in our restaurants, not unless it's drowned in in so much religion that it gets ruined. Religion is so much easier to mass produce than actual meaning, you see, and the profit margins are so much bigger.

Go HOME, sir. Go make your own meaning, we can't do it for you and never could.

And once you know how to make your own meaning, start inviting other people over for meals and cooking lessons."

"What about you? Why tell me to do something you aren't willing to do?"

"Sir, I AM a religious leader, what else would you expect? 

But also, I stay here because I keep hoping to remind my colleagues and supervisors about the one thing our founder understood and explained perhaps more memorably than anyone else, and the one thing that all the restaurants in town have forgotten long ago. He didn't have the one secret recipe for the meaning of life, because that doesn't exist. But he DID understand the most important ingredient that anyone creating meaning must discover."

"What's that?

... and why are you packing up an apron in my to-go box?"

"Meaning doesn't come from being served, sir.

It comes from serving."