The Parable of the Good Samaritan

 

Joshua Josephson was trying his best to teach people to not suck so hard, and this dude came up and said unto him: What must I do in order to live forever?

And Josh said unto him: You tell me. What does your holy book say?

And he said unto Josh: Love your neighbor as yourself.

And Josh said unto him: That’s right. Do that and you will live.

But dude wanted to feel better about himself, so he said unto Josh: Cool, but who is my neighbor?

And Josh said unto him:

Imagine some average dude, driving from, like, D.C. to Nashville, and he gets a flat tire on the way. He pulls over, and then a bunch of motherfuckers jump him, jack his car, and tear ass outta there, leaving the dude unconscious and bleeding on the side of the highway. You with me so far?

Okay, now imagine someone you would expect to be a moral person, someone who can always be counted on to provide an example of decency.

Oh, surprise, surprise, you pictured someone almost exactly like you but with a little more money and status. That’s shocking, it really is. Okay, so you pictured a minister who has the same gender and religion and ethnicity and language and political leanings that you have, got it. So he’s driving past in his Lexus, sees the dude on the side of the road, but passes by without stopping. Not even a phone call to 911.

Now imagine some other people you would expect to be moral people who would do the right thing here.

Oh, you went for more people who share your religion and all your opinions and demographic traits and are just a step above you on the social ladder? Man, you’re a slow learner. No, the van full of your church’s board of elders also drove right past. Maybe they were worried they’d get carjacked if they stopped. Maybe they were worried they wouldn’t get to church in time. Doesn’t matter, they did nothing to help the guy who obviously needed help.

Now imagine someone you dislike and distrust. Someone who you would consider immoral.

Wow, shocking, you went for someone whose nationality and language and religion are different from yours. Fine, so this undocumented Latina immigrant who doesn’t speak much English is driving down the road. She’s trans too, and poly, why not. She’s wearing a BLM T-shirt. She’s a Communist – no, not a Democrat, an ACTUAL Communist. Also she’s a Satanist. She’s, just, EVERYTHING you don’t like.

She sees the guy, immediately pulls her Subaru over. She doesn’t call 911 because she knows they’ll call in ICE before they call in an ambulance if someone tries to explain this scenario in Spanish and doesn’t give them her ID info… so she does first aid and then carefully lifts the guy into her car. She drives him to a hospital, waits with him in the emergency room, waits with him until he’s in stable condition. Then, she pays his bill in cash and leaves.

And then the Lord said unto him: Now, which of the passing drivers behaved like a neighbor to the dude who was in trouble?

And the heckler mumbled unto Josh: the trans latina satanist commie i guess

And the Lord said unto him: What was that? Couldn’t hear you, LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK.

And the heckler huffed a bit, and said unto the Lord in a louder voice: Yeah, okay, I get it, the trans Latina Satanist Commie was the one who did the right thing.

And the Lord said unto him: Go and do the same.

And the dude said unto the Lord: Seriously though? You can’t seriously be telling me I should be like that… PERSON… instead of like my pastor. Like, they take our jobs and sell drugs and sacrifice babies and groom children and want to destroy America and -

And the Lord said unto him: Did I fucking stutter?

And the dude said unto the Lord: Wait what?

And the Lord said unto him: YES, be like the person who helped and not like the people who didn’t help. Also, NONE of those things are true my guy.

And the dude said unto the Lord: But Lord, if I spend my money helping everyone then I won’t be rich like I want to.

And the Lord said unto him: GOOD. Rich people suck ass and if anyone deserves eternal torment it’s those fuckers. Easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich person to be the kind of person I would hang out with for eternity.

And the dude said unto the Lord: Surely you didn’t mean this to be a universal thing, right? This was specifically intended for this one guy, in this time and place and cultural context and-

Oh, NOW you decide you don’t need to take everything in your holy book literally? – the Lord interrupted him – Thou hypocrite, where was this energy when you were deciding whether gay people should have rights?

And the dude said unto the Lord: But Lord, what then should we do to keep our kids safe from drugs and sexual assault and other crimes and social ills, if we can’t blame those things on people who are different from us? And how shall we continue to think our ideas about morality are superior if the guy we named our religion after just told us that ANYONE who does the right thing is considered moral by our god, even if they don’t follow him or share our ideas about morality?

And the Lord said unto him: Hell if I know, man. If I existed at all, I was just a carpenter turned homeless street preacher from a time when no one knew where the sun went at night, from a place considered hopelessly backward even by the standards of that time. Why would you look to me to solve the problems of a country with over 300 million people? The whole known WORLD didn’t have that many people in my day. I probably never even saw a flush toilet, man, I can’t tell you what kind of infrastructure your society needs in order to do right by the people who can’t take care of themselves.

All I know is, I would have wanted you to build an infrastructure to do right by the people who can’t take care of themselves.

All I know is, I was homeless and I wouldn’t approve of how your society treats homeless people.

All I know is, I fed hungry people and treated sick people for free and told my followers to do the same.          

All I know is, I was an illegal immigrant and I wouldn’t approve of how your society treats people trying to get into your country to escape poverty and danger.

All I know is, I was unjustly executed by the state for being a member of a minority in the wrong place at the wrong time, and that seems to happen an awful lot in your country but you don’t seem to think it’s a problem you should care about.

All I know is, I never did get along with the guardians of religious orthodoxy, and I never stopped calling out their hypocrisy. And the words attributed to me are still calling out the hypocrisy of the people who claim to get their morals from me.

Do better.

Be better.

Hear ye the Word of your Lord.

Or fucking STOP embarrassing me and yourself by claiming me as your Lord.

Go ahead and admit you don’t believe in me, you believe in signing my name onto your opinions and then demanding that those opinions give you carte blanche to ignore any laws or social mores you don’t want to follow.

Go ahead and admit that you don’t believe in repentance and changing your behavior, you believe in making other people behave the way you think they should.

Go ahead and admit that the main differences between you and an atheist are: 

(a) the atheist is more likely to agree with and act upon my ideas than you are, and 

(b) the atheist is honest about the fact that they don’t believe in or follow me.